A couple of months ago, I wrote an article here on Habits for Smart People about Helping Others. I have always enjoyed doing charitable things to help others, but in the past 5 years or so, I have gotten much more interested in doing such things. I have found that helping others, especially those who are in dire need, is very fulfilling to me, and rewarding too.
This particular story started about 2 months ago, during May. It is fairly normal here in the Philippines that people will come up to your gate and ask for things, or try to sell you things. Normally, we just ignore such things, as you just don’t know what they will do with the money – drinking, drugs and such. We prefer to find people whom we know for sure need the money for food and daily life. But, one day back in May, two young girls cam to our gate. They were asking for things like bottles, cans and such, anything that they could sell for recycling to get some money to help their family. These girls, Arnie and Irish, were 6 years old and 9 years old. They were very poor, dirty and obviously not cared for. We felt really bad for them, and my kids invited them inside our gate. The kids gave them some food and drinks and talked with them. While Arnie and Irish were here, my wife got home from her grocery shopping. She met Arnie and Irish, and then the girls left to continue trying to scavenge anything that would help bring them a few pesos. My wife wrote an article about this on another of our websites, the article is called Our Unexpected Company.
Irish having an ice cream cone
In the weeks that have followed, Feyma and I welcomes Arnie and Irish to the house on many occasions. They visited almost daily before school started for a new year, and now they have been visiting on weekends. We always feed them, let them have a shower here and they play with our kids. They are really nice little girls, and we enjoy having them visit. During this time, we have also come to know the girls’ mother, Faye. Faye had been working a few days a week for several different people, she has been washing clothes for them. We offered Faye a job here at our house, and she accepted it. Faye is a pretty slow worker, but we accepted that, because what we really wanted to do was help her children, as we had come to care for the kids. Over the past month or so, we have done a lot to help the kids. We even took them to the dentist and had all of their teeth fixed, since we found out that the kids had been experiencing some pretty severe toothaches. We had (with the help of some donations from readers) purchased all of their school supplies for the new school year – books, pencils, etc and also school uniforms. They were really set up for the new school year, probably better set than ever in their lives.
Bob and Arnie
This past week, Faye’s husband came here to our house to talk to his wife. I don’t know what the discussion was all about, but he was yelling at Faye, and I could tell that she was quite embarrassed by the incident. Later, perhaps it was the next day, I don’t recall for sure, Arnie (the 9 year old girl) came here to the house. She was crying and told us that she and her sister had no food for school lunch. We were surprised, because the salary that we were paying her mother should have more than provided three good meals per day for the family. While Arnie was crying, she told us that they had no money for food, because her father used all of the money to buy alcohol, and he was drinking heavily. Some will say that the child was being used to try to get more money, but I don’t think that is the case. I think that what Arnie said was true, but perhaps I am naive.
Later in the day, Faye told us that her husband didn’t want her to work here anymore, because he wanted her to be at the house. So, Faye is no longer with us.
This situation really makes me sad, because it was our intention to help these young children, and give them an opportunity to get a good education and hopefully a better life. I am not sure if they will still come and visit on the weekend or not… we shall see in a few more days whether they show up or not. I hope they do, and I would still like to at least provide lunch money for them (and devise a way that the father won’t use the money to continue his boozing).
Sometimes, doing the right thing can lead to being hurt in the longrun. I still think it’s a good thing to help others, but it is not all happiness and joy. Sometimes you have to see the darker side of the situation.
Doing good for people always makes you feel good. No matter what happens in the end you did your best, and should feel good about that.
Hi Lance – yes, that part does make me feel good, but I am very sad that the young girls have to suffer. It’s really heartbreaking to me.
Bob, helping others is always good for me…I need to leave the results up to god. I learned in New Your City where I lived and worked from 1970 to 1983 that giving money to the poor in the street is a bad idea.
Now in the Phils since ’07, I believe that the freedom of choice here and many many cultural factors seem to produce fathers who are very bad, like you are experiencing or the bigger percentage who are good. It is the same in generall every where but it is more obvious here.
Thanks for sharing your insight, Henry, I appreciate it.
Hi Bob, I am really proud that Feyma and you got the mother over to your house working. It seems like the husband’s pride and the ole male ego are the big problems. I can understand how he might feel but certainly not how he is behaving. Perhaps Feyma and you can figure out a way for the father to keep face while his wife and kids support the family.
Hi David – Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated. I hope that the situation works itself out for the best, but I am not confident. We shall see. We did offer work to the father, doing gardening and such, but he is not interested.
You can only do your best, and you and your family are definitely doing that. I do hope that the father sees the light and figures things out for the better. Those kids are so cute; it is hard to see them suffer in any way. I’m sure a prayer won’t hurt.
Yes, you are so on the target there, David. I still hope it works out, but am doubtful that it will.
I had to learn this same lesson. Now, I only give food to those I believe really need it. For me, it is a lot easier just to give money, but we never know what will happen with it. Thank you for this article.
Thanks, Darrell, it is a sad lesson to learn.
Reminds me of the saying, no good deed goes unpunished.
So true, Jamie… unfortunately.
While the cynical side of me knows that no good deed goes unpunished, I also firmly believe that no seed goes un-sprouted – - for good or ill.
I believe based on life experiences, if we take the longer view, we might not see the immediate good come from a deed, but it can help change the direction of life in the future.
In my experience, a young girl was physically abused as a child and I helped her and her mother to the best of my abilities until suddenly they disappeared for several years. When father was out of the picture they returned.
When the now teenage girl says “Papa, can I sit on your lap and talk,” I cannot say no. Her mama told me that while they were gone she would tell her mama that she was encouraged by remembering what I had told her.
Never lose hope.
I love that story, LeRoy! Thank you for sharing it. I pray that it will be the same in this case!
It is too bad there are not school lunch programs in the phils. those poor kids who are hungry cannot study and learn as they should when their minds are on their hunger. If you had the money, could you provide a lunch the girls could come by for before going to school.? or could it be delivered for them at school? it doesnt seem it would be very expensive to give a little food for the girls lunches at school. making sure they have the lunch at school may be the hard part.Maybe some of your readers would like to help out with that. it is a sad situation for the whole family. someone in the family has to take responsibility. and it shouldnt have to be 2 little girls. Just do what you can for Arnie and Irish and pray a lot about the situation. Think good thoughts for the family. Invision them in good surroundings and circumstances. let the higher power take over. It will work out ok. thanks for writing the artlcle. i have been waiting to see how things are going for the little girls.
Hi Donna – Yes, unfortunately, such programs do not exist here. Actually, I was thinking of exactly what you suggest, where the girls would stop by in the morning, and we would give them some lunch money. That would keep the money going for the right purpose!
Hi Bob,
When I was growing up in Oz during the 60′s, we encountered the same with a local Aboriginal family, with 2 kids, a girl Lieh 9yo and Russel 11yo, the same age as me. Similiar to you Bob, out of the blue these kids showed up at our gate. And my mother, being the sweet kind lady she is, the young kids were invited in, cleaned up, ate and played with my 4 brothers and I. After a couple of weeks doing this, my mother visited the mother of the new children and talked. The view my mother had was the same as yours Bob, help the mother and in turn, the kids will benefit. But my mother knew there was more to this situation that met the eyes of all who were watching. It struck her, that helping both mom & kids was only half the battle. One day, the father returned from, who knows where, and was approached by my mother. This is where I watched my diplomat mother work her magic. It was during this gentle talk with both parents, that my mother decided to really help this family. To stop any ill feeling or stomping on ego’s, my mother managed to make both parents understand that no ego’s were being damaged, no-one was made to feel poor or subservient, in fact, it was all about the kids and the parents futures. The parents took a few days or a week to consider all that was said, before we started seeing the kids again.
In the beginning, the parents were good for a few months, but same as your story, the father was drinking etc. My mother again visited, only the parents and spoke only to the father about his promise to his wife and kids. And it was within a week of this visit, that this really nice man, the father of Lieh & Russel, arrived at our home and offered to work around our small farm. For him, the guilt he felt, was too much. Yes he swallowed his pride and made the best of his situation, with gratitude and humility.
Although I did not fully appreciate the impact my mothers actions and words had on me until I was about 19-20yo. Now I am 53yo this year, I am still very close to Lieh and her new family, and one of the best friends anyone could ask for, Russel. Because of my mothers kindness and diplomatic ways, both Lieh & Russel, completed school. Although Lieh did not finish Uni the first time, as she started her new family. Russel, won an engineering scholarship, whilst becoming a footy star. They both continued to help support their parents for about 15years. The both worked hard to put their parents thru school and help their father achieve his dream of being a property manager, as his children paid for his uni degree.
So the lesson here is, if you want to help the kids, you will think of helping the mother. But not many of us, consider the full implications, if the father is not part of the process. Extending the helping hand, is the first part of the issue, reaching out with your other hand, to ensure all your original good intentions, can be realised, appreciated and welcomed by all.
Hi Bruce – What a wonderful story of what your mother did to set that family straight. I was so happy to read that the kids completed their schooling!
Congratulations to your mother, Bruce, on having such a great impact on that family! I can tell that you are very proud of her, and her accomplishment!
In our case, although we have tried, the father seems uninterested in being included in the process. Thankfully we have seen those kids a few more times after I wrote this article, and have continued to help them as we can.
After reading this article, I will visit my mother this weekend and see if she can remember 40 years ago, on exactly what she said to the father. I was there, but I was 11 and just knew the first conversation, made a big impact on how I treat and deal with others.
Oh if you are wondering, I did say this family are Oz Aboriginal, therefore, I am respectful towards their culture and the fathers name has never been typed by me. Just one of those unusual things within his culture. I used to visit him, with Russel, until about 5 years ago, but since my time is now split between Oz and the Phils, visits are few and far between.
Again, thanks Mom.
Thnk you, Bruce. I will look foreward to hearing more after you talk to your mom.
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A touching story which shows your generous heart. I’m sure that situations like this could be recounted by many if not most of your readers who live in the Phils. where young children have to find ways to support themselves to a degree or go hungry & dirty. Living in the west, it’s easy to forget the conditions people live in where social supports are missing. It’s a reminder to me of the adjustments I’ll have to make when we move to your area next year. Still, I look forward to learning how I can help as needed while trying to be sensitive to family dynamics. Not always easy nor obvious, esp. to a foreigner.
Great writing as always!
Hi Bruce – Very true that it requires learning, and it can take a long time to learn. I have lived in the Philippines for over 12 years now, and I still learn new things about life here from time to time. I suppose it helps keep life interesting, though!
Thanks for stopping by here!